One day at a time

Recently two articles have been circulating the internet – Don’t date a girl who travels and Date a girl who travels.  And its scary how well they both describe me. Especially the line “Chances are, she can’t hold a steady job. Or she’s probably daydreaming about quitting.”  A week into my new job, a job I’d been trying to get for months, I was already thinking about how I can’t wait to quit.  A recent conversation with my roommate made me realize I am always living in the future.  I am constantly thinking about where I’m going to go next.  As I’m washing dishes I think about packing them all when I move and worry if I’ll be able to remember what’s mine and what’s my roommates.  I seriously consider keeping my things separate so when the time comes to go I can pack everything and leave quickly. (Who seriously cares that much about dishes? I mean when the times comes to leave and travel I’m not going to give a fuck if I ever see my dishes again.) 

I even focus on the future when it comes to my career.  You’re probably thinking that’s not a bad thing, and maybe its not, but it isn’t necessarily good either.  I know exactly what I want to be doing in about six years or so (owning my own gym with my future husband) but I haven’t even applied for one personal training job since earning my certification.  The list of certifications I want to obtain and the books I want to read will take me years.  I get entirely too ahead of myself.

So, since my recent conversation with my roommate, I’ve been trying harder to live in the present.  I’m focusing on my happiness one day at a time and finding the joy and adventure in each day.  I’m allowing myself to make commitments that I previously wasn’t because I was worried about quitting when the time comes to move again.  But I’m still allowing myself to daydream about quitting my job, because quitting means traveling.  And traveling is what my soul craves. 

You can’t fail adventure

Since moving to California I’ve feared having to move back home.  I’ve struggled with finding a job, paying my bills, finding a place to live (I’m currently sleeping on a couch) and really being on my own for the first time ever. I feared moving home mostly because it meant failing. What would my parents think? My friends? And all the people at my going-away party? And most importantly, myself? But today I stopped fearing failure.  I realized I’m on an adventure. And you can’t fail adventure.  I don’t have any set goals or a timeline.  Sure, there are places I want to travel to and other countries I want to move to but I’ll get there when I get there. I can’t be bothered with what other people think if I want adventure.  That takes all the fun out of it. Feeling like I have to get it right ruins the whole point of adventure. There is no right or wrong, I’m just going where life takes me.

When I look back on my life when I’m 73 I don’t want to think “Wow I worked really hard and always paid my bills on time and had great credit”, where’s the fun in that? I want to think “I saw the whole damn world and somehow managed to rub two pennies together to make a nickel along the way” .. or whatever that phrase is. Maybe I made it up. 

Anyhow, despite my struggles over the past few months, I’ve become more confident in myself and my decisions than ever.  The only thing I’m still struggling with is not being able to call him and share my adventures with him.  I’d love to tell him “Hey I’ve got a bed to sleep in for the next two weeks, and I found another great potential place on Craigslist”. Or better yet, having him by my side, sharing every adventure with me.  But I guess that’s what I’ve got this blog for right? 

            I used to think I would never truly fall in love with someone until I was willing to give up moving and traveling for him. Well, I was wrong.  It wasn’t until I was completely happy with myself and who I am becoming as a person, that I was able to fall in love. But unfortunately that came along with loving someone 3,000 miles away. Who has no desire to move. Or even visit me.

            Back in May I made the decision that I would move from Pennsylvania to California at the start of September. I had been thinking about it since the previous fall.  Ever since studying abroad in Rome I’ve known Pennsylvania wasn’t the place for me. There are too many places to see and cultures to experience to stay in the same location for the rest of my life. Well, sometime in between the decision making and the actual move I fell in love with my best friend. Leaving was hard, but do-able, knowing I’d see him again in a few months when I came home for Christmas. I thought coming back to California after Christmas wouldn’t be too hard either. But I was wrong. Really fucking wrong.  I had to choose between the place I love and the person I love.  Probably the hardest decision I’ve made in my adult life.

            I’m starting this blog to get all my emotions out because keeping them in my head is driving me crazy. First, I told myself I’d only give myself 24 hours to cry it out and be sad, then I’d move on. But fuck that, I’m not going to try and hold back my emotions and ignore how I really feel. So instead I’m going to write them down, in hope that organizing my feelings and staying focused on the future will make me more confident in my decision.  So, not only will this blog be about leaving the person I love to explore the world, but about all the other struggles I come across, and of course the triumphs too.

            Usually, when I want to get over someone I remind myself constantly of all the reasons it would never work and how terrible of a person the guy is until there is nothing left in my heart for him except hate. But not this time around. Instead I’m focusing on the positive – all the travels and adventures that await me. If I decided to move back to Pennsylvania to be with him I would never be completely satisfied.  I’d always want to move and travel and escape again. And I’d probably end up resenting him for taking me from the place I love. So I can’t blame him, really who WANTS to be in a long-distance relationship?

Choosing California means adventure and self-discovery. And California won’t be upset with me when I leave it for somewhere new.